And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
