i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I wear drunk well.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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