this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
