You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
