Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
