I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize