4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
