Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
