so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
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