Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
