I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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