Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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