Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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