I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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