You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
