The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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