Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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