Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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