If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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