that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
