It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
