I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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