there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
