i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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