If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
