A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
