tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
