Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
How does it feel to date your dad?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
