she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Can I color on your dick again?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
