I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I lost the right to judge tonight
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
