there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
