i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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