I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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