I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
