when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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