I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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