How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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