My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize