When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize