Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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