i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
