Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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