Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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