My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
