I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize