There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
sex in a hospital.. check
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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