Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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