You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i drank out of a bidet.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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