piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
