Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize