Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
