he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
