apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
