We won't sleep together?
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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