My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
